May I Share With You, My Little Experience?

It's been a long time since I wrote something here... Not sure if it was due to boredom or just loss of interest... Sometimes I find it so hard to express my thoughts that I end up deciding that any attempt is - and always will be - hopeless... Yet this decision is never final. I always find a way back to writing, trying to put up a fight against that hopeless ambition of mine.

In the past years - as I might have mentioned before - I had my greatest dream crashed despite all of my hard tries and efforts to chase it. I really did try my best. I even got so close. And yet the best of me was not enough to achieve my goal. When I raised my hand to grasp that dream of mine, it simply slipped away from my fingers! After that incident, I was kind of wandering in the world just flowing with life, waiting to see where all of this is going to end up to. Which is the final destination? I kind doubt there was any to begin with anymore. It's like a ship metaphor. I 've lost both my destination and my compass and I feel as if I am wandering in this endless ocean of life, following any route the wind on my sails chooses for me. Forgotten and lost for what seams like forever?

I had no real dreams ever since. I was too scared to dream. Afraid to try. Terrified to fail. It was around then that I got used to losing I guess. Let me state here that I am not complaining about anything. I am just stating some facts about that time 2 years ago. As for the dream I make such a fuss around? You may laugh if I tell you but I will anyway, cause I am not ashamed of my dreams, nor of my failures. My failed dream was (is?) to become a doctor. Does that sound childish? To me, it is the ultimate link between life, human and God. I'd have the chance to offer a new hope, another day, an other smile. Being a doctor means to have life flowing from you. I doubt there is any greatest reward than a simple "Thank you" and a smile after a successful operation. The greaest things, and the most valuable ones are not the expensive ones you see. Which would you value the most? A beautiful diamond or the smile of someone you love? Which would you be most sorry to lose?  To me those treasures of the heart: the memories, the feelings, the moments, are the most valuable things in life and the only memento we take with us after our journey here comes to an end. It's the heart and the spirit that defines someones wealth.

Yet, seeing the whole thing from where I stand now, I can see that I was not right to give up everything for one failure. I am sure now that life has a secret plan for everyone, even if it does not always agree to our own ambitions. Ambitions - that right. You see, one day it just occurred to me that some dreams are not as noble as they look. Some dreams are concealed ambitions. Of course this is not a rule - it's more likely an exception of the rule. Maybe I, myself, was punished cause I was too ambitious - because as a selfish being I am - I wanted to be the best. I always wanted to be the best in everything: In my grades, my job, in arts...  I tried e v e r y t h i n g. But there are so many things and so little time! So many directions I don't know which way to turn! Maybe, becoming a doctor is not my gift. Maybe I 'd become a really bad doctor. So by getting me so close to my dream yet failing anyway, life was trying to tell me that "You see? You are so close! But what you ask for is not for you! I got another plan - something you 'll be really good at."

Currently I am studying Pharmacy. I am about to get to the third year now. I still don't know where I am heading to, or what is to come next for me. Remember the ship without compass? The fact that I don't know my destination does not mean that there is none ahead for me. I 've learnt to trust this wind. He knows where I belong better that I do myself. I even dare to dream again! Both real dreams and concealed ambitions. I just give life a chance to show me what is the thing for me.

Being lost could be either a tragedy or an adventure - maybe even both. The point of view is the secret to make the difference. After all, even in fairy tales there are always adventures and tragedies before the happy ending, right? So why not perceive life as a fairytale? Our very own fairytale, with our very own happy ending. I always believed that the best way to know a place is to get lost in it. So let's get lost in the world together! Who knows? Maybe our paths meet one day. If not, we'll surely meet where all the fairytales and the dreams collide.

-E.C.

Walk on the vermillion paths

There are moments when I believe my mind is falling apart... It feels like every word is forgotten and every image is fading away in the blur shadows of a subconscious fall that I have no control over.

I tend to forget what joy feels like and sometimes I confuse it with a strange, unexplained melancholy that surrounds beautiful things… It could be flowing out from the knowledge that every moment is unique and once gone, it‘ll never come back again… So, every time I have a beautiful moment, I feel like I am losing part of it wondering “why can’t this last forever?”

I love to dream. I have had dreams in the past that did not come true. From where I stand now I can clearly see that I was wrong. I don’t know yet if they did. It’s too early. Maybe life knows what is best for me and therefore protects me from any wrong choices I might make. In the edge of disappointment though, the only thing I could see was failure and the broken pieces of a dream. Pieces that I gathered one by one and kept them safe in a small place in my heart. A little box containing all the nostalgic memories. On the other hand, sometimes I believe that back there I confused dreams with ambition… and to be honest, maybe I was being crushed by the collapse of my ambition.

The sun is blinding my eyes every time I lift my head to look at the sky, so I ‘ll just look down for now, allowing the glorious, bright light to play with the color of my hair creating strange illusions of sparkling stars and strange glimpses.

This is vanity… Maybe vanity is the source of ambition.  Behind every kind of human existence hides at least a small amount of vanity. I feel like its waiting for the moment your soul is weak enough and then it just comes bursting in, blinding your reason and closing a trap around your thoughts. This is the beginning of the fall. This ego that keeps growing eternally and one impossible dream that keeps hurting you forever.

Neither had I hesitated some moments ago to surround myself with stars and bright glimpses –all in my imagination. I did not hesitate once to raise my hands to the sky in what I thought to be a doomed effort to hug the sun.

This is just human nature. We feel like we have to go after perfection in a meaningless race where we stand no chance of winning. Illusions, dreams and hope.    Sometimes I think that this is the life. Yet, life is wonderful, and what makes her wonderful is exactly this change between those beautiful and hard times we experience during the journey. After all, since there can’t be light without darkness, one can’t appreciate happiness without sadness. Chasing perfection is not wrong, as long we seek it to become better companions, better parents, better friends, better humans… But if vanity and ambition is our motivation, we will never see that we actually do own perfection. It’s just hidden in all the little things that we pass by every day without noticing, only because we take them for granted.

So, if the sun represents all the dreams we have and still believe that they are impossible to be reached, let me tell you that even if you can’t look straight to the sun when it’s high in the sky, cause your eyes will hurt and cry, you can always wait for the sunset. Then the sun is traveling all the way to touch the surface of the sea and then there is nothing that stops you from stare right into the greatness of the bright star – your bright dream. Then you are free to wonder in the vermillion paths it creates in the vast surface of the ocean of life.

Chasing a dream is not enough. You have to chase it in the right moment. The moment that life will make this dream come your way too. Until then all one has to do is wait, enjoy the little (yet great) things, love and be loved, and be ready to watch the sunset when it comes. But even then, do not let ambition, vanity or even the obsession over something to wash away all the beautiful things you might have gained by then.

The point I am trying to make is that, even if something seems to be impossible, life will find a way to create a path for us to follow this dream. If not, then we can just wait for the dream to come for us. Until then let’s enjoy a walk on the vermillion paths of life, as for the dreams? They are hidden somewhere along the way. ;)

-E.