Walk on the vermillion paths

There are moments when I believe my mind is falling apart... It feels like every word is forgotten and every image is fading away in the blur shadows of a subconscious fall that I have no control over.

I tend to forget what joy feels like and sometimes I confuse it with a strange, unexplained melancholy that surrounds beautiful things… It could be flowing out from the knowledge that every moment is unique and once gone, it‘ll never come back again… So, every time I have a beautiful moment, I feel like I am losing part of it wondering “why can’t this last forever?”

I love to dream. I have had dreams in the past that did not come true. From where I stand now I can clearly see that I was wrong. I don’t know yet if they did. It’s too early. Maybe life knows what is best for me and therefore protects me from any wrong choices I might make. In the edge of disappointment though, the only thing I could see was failure and the broken pieces of a dream. Pieces that I gathered one by one and kept them safe in a small place in my heart. A little box containing all the nostalgic memories. On the other hand, sometimes I believe that back there I confused dreams with ambition… and to be honest, maybe I was being crushed by the collapse of my ambition.

The sun is blinding my eyes every time I lift my head to look at the sky, so I ‘ll just look down for now, allowing the glorious, bright light to play with the color of my hair creating strange illusions of sparkling stars and strange glimpses.

This is vanity… Maybe vanity is the source of ambition.  Behind every kind of human existence hides at least a small amount of vanity. I feel like its waiting for the moment your soul is weak enough and then it just comes bursting in, blinding your reason and closing a trap around your thoughts. This is the beginning of the fall. This ego that keeps growing eternally and one impossible dream that keeps hurting you forever.

Neither had I hesitated some moments ago to surround myself with stars and bright glimpses –all in my imagination. I did not hesitate once to raise my hands to the sky in what I thought to be a doomed effort to hug the sun.

This is just human nature. We feel like we have to go after perfection in a meaningless race where we stand no chance of winning. Illusions, dreams and hope.    Sometimes I think that this is the life. Yet, life is wonderful, and what makes her wonderful is exactly this change between those beautiful and hard times we experience during the journey. After all, since there can’t be light without darkness, one can’t appreciate happiness without sadness. Chasing perfection is not wrong, as long we seek it to become better companions, better parents, better friends, better humans… But if vanity and ambition is our motivation, we will never see that we actually do own perfection. It’s just hidden in all the little things that we pass by every day without noticing, only because we take them for granted.

So, if the sun represents all the dreams we have and still believe that they are impossible to be reached, let me tell you that even if you can’t look straight to the sun when it’s high in the sky, cause your eyes will hurt and cry, you can always wait for the sunset. Then the sun is traveling all the way to touch the surface of the sea and then there is nothing that stops you from stare right into the greatness of the bright star – your bright dream. Then you are free to wonder in the vermillion paths it creates in the vast surface of the ocean of life.

Chasing a dream is not enough. You have to chase it in the right moment. The moment that life will make this dream come your way too. Until then all one has to do is wait, enjoy the little (yet great) things, love and be loved, and be ready to watch the sunset when it comes. But even then, do not let ambition, vanity or even the obsession over something to wash away all the beautiful things you might have gained by then.

The point I am trying to make is that, even if something seems to be impossible, life will find a way to create a path for us to follow this dream. If not, then we can just wait for the dream to come for us. Until then let’s enjoy a walk on the vermillion paths of life, as for the dreams? They are hidden somewhere along the way. ;)

-E.